Sunday, March 23, 2008

What brings me to my knees

So, today I planned this big day. The boys are getting ready to move into big boy beds, Easter is tomorrow and we wanted to have an egg hunt and I needed to hit the grocery store. These used to be my favorite kind of days, before Mike and before the boys. A day all to myself, to find the things I need and to eat a little lunch while reading a good magazine. Luxurious now, to have some time to myself so I was really looking forward to it.

The boys have been sick. Of what, we don’t know but they have had fevers that we are fighting with Tylenol or Motrin. The have gotten as high as 104.2 and remained in the 102 – 103.8 range. Feels like you are fighting a blind enemy. So, in order to have a little more information about the cause and if it was serious, Mike headed to the Pediatrician’s office while I headed to an urgent care to take care of my own failing health.

We’ve been hit hard with viruses the last 4 weeks to it’s just about time to get us all on antibiotics and fumigate the household…

Karen came over to stay with the boys while I went on my day. I had checked their temps and both were 100.0 or below, which is pretty normal. I took off for the mall! It has been at least 2 years since I have been shopping at the mall and I had some twin mattresses to buy! I was so excited to be getting the boys ready to exit their baby beds.

And then…happy single girl day turned into terrified Mom day…it goes something like this (paraphrased as my memory is a bit foggy)

Cell Rings…

Karen: Nathan’s lips are blue and he’s shaking.

Stephanie: Shaking like shivering or shaking violently?

Karen: Shaking. And all he wants to do is lie down. He says “Lie down feel better”

Stephanie: Um, I don’t know whether to call 911 or the Nurse’s line. Call me back in 10 minutes to let me know how he is.

Karen: Okay.

I call Mike.

Mike: Are you calling 911?

Stephanie: I am just waiting to see if it passes. I told her to call me back after about 10 minutes to see how he was doing otherwise we would call the nurses’ line.

Mike: You need to call 911.

Stephanie: I think it will be okay. She’ll call me back and if there is still a problem she can call the nurses line. It’ll be fine. (Did you just hear the suction of my Mommy points being sucked into a whirlpool?)

I am now panicing and call Karen’s number. It keeps going to voicemail. I finally get her.

Karen: I am on the phone giving the nurse the information. His lips are even darker and he is still shaking. He keeps wanting to go to sleep but I won’t let him.

Stephanie: That’s probably the answering service. Call 911. I’m scared and coming home.

Every red light was on. Traffic was terrible.

I call Mike…it sucked.

Stephanie: She’s calling 911. Mike, I’m scared. (and crying)

Mike: I’m on my way home.

A week ago, Mike told me he had a dream. The dream was essentially him calling me to find out how I am doing. My response was something like…”Nathan died but other than that, I’m fine.”

This conversation is now playing in my head over and over and I am crying. Terrified. Why did I leave? Why didn’t I have her call 911 right away? What if he dies?

The traffic is terrible. What laws am I allowed to break? How can I get home faster?

I call Karen back and she says that “they” would send someone over. The fire station is actually 2 – 3 miles away so I find some comfort in that.

Knowing that an ambulance was on it’s way made me feel better but a weird calm came over me. Where was that calm when I needed it?

By the time I got home, the firemen were leaving and telling me he was okay. The Paramedics were giving me advice and telling me this was the most common run for a 2-year old. They believe it was a Febrile seizure.

And it was over. A little Tylenol and some love and this terrified mom just wanted to cry.

What if it had been worse? What would I have done? No one could have every warned me of how vulnerable you are when you have children. The complete terror that you go through when you think something terrible is happening to your child…and you’re not there.

I’m glad it’s over. I’m a little wiser. My sweet boy is fine and none the wiser…as he pesters me this morning to name each and every Thomas character in the catalog.

~ A grateful mama

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